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EXAMPLES
When a three year old friend died, one mother explained about death to her child as well as she could. He
listened carefully and the next day he told his friends that when he died his family was going to bury him in the ground.
"But it's alright," he said, "because my mother will come and dig me up."
Clearly, this
little boy knew about burying things. He did it all the time--in the sandbox, in the dirt, at the beach. In his experience,
he could bury something, and dig it up. He could wipe it off, and it was just like it always had been. He was confident he
could trust his mother to take care of him.
Youngsters know about "more" and "all gone",
or "lots" and "just a little". These are facts of their life. Trying to fit new experiences into her
own understanding, one little girl announced at preschool, "My father was killed in a car crash last night. But he's
all right now. He was just a little dead."
CHILDREN ARE LITERAL-MINDED
A word of caution here.
Adults can find great solace in their religion, but be careful how you describe a beautiful life-after-death to children.
To them, death can be a place like the mall or Grandma's house. They are very literal-minded.
EXAMPLE
A
mother whose husband had been killed in a car crash said that she had painted such a glowing picture for her little boy that
one day she found him running into the street in front of cars. He said he was trying to get killed like his daddy so he
could go to heaven and be with him.
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As a rule, we don't choose to talk about death with little children until someone close to them dies. When you're faced with
the challenge, where do you start?
CHILDREN HAVE MANY QUESTIONS
Young children have lots of questions.
Be patient and answer them as honestly as you can. Keep in mind that the questions will come up again and again. Understand,
too, that it is not morbid for them to be incredibly curious. It is their way of trying to come to terms with something they
know nothing about.
SLEEP PROBLEMS COULD DEVELOP
It is common for adults to tell children the person
who died has gone to sleep. The problem with this is that children may be unwilling to go to sleep, themselvers, because
they are afraid they might die, too.
FEELINGS ARE NOT RIGHT OR WRONG, THEY JUST ARE
Accept and acknowledge
their feelings, whatever they are. They may be sad, which you would expect. They may also be very angry at the person who
died--who died and went away and left them. As unlikely as it would seem, they may feel responsible and guilty. They need
clear answers, accurage information, and compassionate listeners.
MISCONCEPTIONS
Even if the misconceptions
children have about death seem inappropriate or possibly amusing to you, treat them with dignity, and try to understand how
their life experience led them to such a conclusion.
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ILLUSTRATE
To illustrate your discussions about death, look for something tangible, something they can sdee and touch.
Nature is a good resource. Melting snow, falling leaves and fading blossoms are examples of the cycles of life. One family
used a helium balloon. The ballon was familiar. It was a rare treat that their daughter loved, and it was something she
could see and hold and touch. Outside, as they let it float away, they talked about how death was sort of like that balloon.
You can't go where it's going now, but you watch it until you can't see it anymore, and you can remember it always.
ADULTS CRY TOO
If you are taking your children to a funeral, or to the home of a bereaved family, be sure and tell
them ahead of time that they may see adults crying, and tell them why.
DEATH IS NOT A TABOO SUBJECT
If someone
close to your family dies, a relative or a friend, adult or child, and your little ones don't spontaneously ask questions,
bring the subject up yourself. Youngsters may not know the words to ask what they want to know, or they may be quiet because
you have said nothing. They may think it's a taboo subject. Your bringing it up says, "It's okay to talk about death."
REMEMBERING
For young children, it is important to take steps to keep fond memories alive. Make it a point to
talk about "remember when". Look through photograph albums together, and reminisce. Some families plant a tree
in memory, and caring for the tree together helps keep the memory alive for little children.
GRIEVING
Help your
child understand, too, that it's okay to be sad and cry. It's called grieving. Death is a natural part of our life cycle.
Allow your child to grieve. It helps put closure to the separation.
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